Issue #9: Shifting from Self-Improvement to Self-Attunement
Building systems rooted in self-acceptance so that you can start working *WITH* rather than against yourself
The Problem:
We’ve all been there: You’ve noticed a gap between something you do —or do not!— want to be doing and your actual pattern of behavior. You’re not meeting the standard that you’ve quietly set for yourself and your resulting negotiations with yourself are going nowhere.
These feelings only become amplified with the promise (and pressure) of a new year on the horizon.
The Move:
Shifting from a mindset of self-improvement to self-attunement to build systems in your life that are rooted in self-acceptance and work WITH you.
Here’s the general formula for what this looks like: (It will sound a little “woo” at first, so stick with me, and then we’ll dive into some practical examples.)
Self-knowing around a pattern of behavior → releasing any associated shame or self-judgment → getting curious → building a new system that better sets you up for success in what you’re trying to change
When we do this, we can finally come into alignment between our values and our behavior.
This has come into play in a big way in two key areas of my life over the past year. Let’s start with fitness:
I care about being physically fit and moving my body, but other than hikes and walks, I found that I was often breaking the promises that I was making to myself about working out. I was frustrated by this misalignment between valuing my health and yet consistently relegating fitness to the bottom of my to-do list. Eventually, I realized that self-judgment about this wasn’t getting me anywhere. I shifted to making a conscious effort to look at it as a morally-neutral fact and got curious about how I could better work WITH myself to change this pattern.
It occurred to me that while I might be apt to blow off a casual plan that I had made with myself to workout, I never blow off appointments that involve others. So I enlisted the help of a personal trainer.
Thanks to the accountability of our twice-a-week scheduled sessions, we worked out together more than 100 times over the past 16 months— a level of consistency I previously could never have fathomed. Financially, it’s definitely involved some budgeting and cutting back in areas, but it’s an investment that has left me feeling physically and mentally stronger than I have in years, and I’m incredibly grateful (and, I recognize, privileged) to be able to make it work.
I’m also grateful to my 16-months-ago self for finding the self-compassion needed to recognize a pattern of behavior, releasing any associated shame or self-blame so that I could objectively identify where I needed support, and devising a new system/plan to better set myself up for success.
Another area of my life where I’ve been able to drive positive change by starting from a place of self-acceptance: my phone habits.
I had been feeling uneasy about my relationship with my phone for literally years but my attempts to reduce my screen time were always short-lived. I tried books about how to break up with my phone, app-blocking programs, and arbitrary self-imposed rules, but still found myself spending more time on my phone than I felt good about, which ultimately came at the expense of focusing my energy on things in my life that I value infinitely more than my phone. The disconnect between my values and my actual pattern of behavior were driving me crazy and sending me into a shame spiral.
Things finally clicked into place when I stopped the self-blame. When it sunk in for me that social media apps are deliberately engineered to co-opt as much of our attention as possible by preying upon principles of human psychology, it occurred to me that my phone habits weren’t my fault or the result of a moral failure stemming from a lack of self-discipline.
This realization allowed me to release my self-criticism (which was getting me nowhere and making me feel like sh*t) and shift into a place of curiosity and problem-solving. As a human, could I overcome through sheer willpower programs that were strategically designed to manipulate dopamine systems in my brain? Probably not! With this in mind, I could finally stop blaming myself and move toward an effective solution.
If I wanted to make a meaningful change in this area, I realized that I needed to take accountability by no longer exposing myself to those forces. So I deleted my personal Instagram and Facebook accounts and I do not have any social media apps on my phone. It worked! And I’m feeling really energized by the extra time I’ve gotten back to pursue things that I’m excited about.
Spending less time on my phone and more time moving my body were mainstays on my New Years goals lists year after year. Things finally clicked into place when I tapped into self-knowing + acceptance, released the self-blame, got curious about what conditions or systems were needed to ACTUALLY work for me, and shifted the way that I look at accountability.
I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and the kinder way that I am speaking to myself. I’ve always been someone who keeps my word with others. And now, more frequently, I’m keeping my word with myself. It feels pretty awesome.
And I’ve been testing and applying this approach of inner-knowing + acceptance to affect better outcomes in other areas of my life— no matter how small or inconsequential.
Case in point: I have a habit of letting nail polish overstay its welcome. For whatever reason, I just really don’t enjoy the process of removing nail polish, so it’s usually a couple of days before I get around to it, during which time my chipped nails drive me a bit crazy while I try to will myself to cut the sh*t and just go take it off. lol. More recently, I’ve decided to just…*accept this this about myself?!* and opt out completely. So instead of subjecting myself to that cycle, I’m now a bare nail girlie 95% of the time and loving it.
Something else that I’ve recently accepted as a fact about myself: I’m a slow and messy baker. As a result, instead of committing to elaborate baking projects, which if I’m honest, will inevitably keep me up until midnight and will leave the kitchen looking like a bomb went off, I’m letting myself off the hook this holiday season by bringing a quick-to-assemble cheese board to our family’s gatherings. Who will be mad about receiving a cheese board? No one (unless you’re dairy-free or vegan, in which case, please excuse this attack).
Alright, time to land this plane and go assemble said cheese board.
Is there an area of your life where you’ve noticed a gap between what you value or want to be doing and what you have actually been doing? If yes (and if it’s been bothering you), then I gently invite you to try out this approach. At the very least, infusing some self-compassion has never made anything worse.
Wishing you a restorative remainder of 2023!
*Important to note: There are several resources that helped me in making this mindset shift over time. Shout out to therapy (I’m a big fan!) and the following books:
The Kindness Method by Shahroo Izadi
The Perfectionist’s Guide To Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler
Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke
Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport
Stolen Focus by Johann Hari
